


A Royal Pain in the Ass

by vinniebatman



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M, Oral Sex, Prince Rodney
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-05
Updated: 2013-04-05
Packaged: 2017-12-07 14:19:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 15,339
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/749484
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vinniebatman/pseuds/vinniebatman
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>  In order to be crowned King, Prince Rodney must undertake a terrifying quest.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Prompt:** Written for the birthday of one of my favoritest people in the world, [](http://suki-blue.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://suki-blue.livejournal.com/)**suki_blue** ! I heart you...  
>  **Rating/Warnings:** Adult at some point. Hey, it's a present, and what says "I love you" better than gay pron?  
>  **Disclaimer:** If I did own SGA, God, the amount of naked hot gay luvin' would be overwhelming! But I don't, so let us mourn appropriately.  
> 

Once upon a time, in a Kingdom far, far away, lived a noble Prince who faced a grave quest.  Like those before him and those that would follow, the Prince of the wild, pristine lands of Canada could not take the throne until he had received the blessing of the Guardian of the AncientCity.  And so, on the first sunrise after tragic death of his parents, the Prince had to face the Guardian.  What followed was quest to save the world by defeating a vicious enemy and finding his one true love.   
  
Okay, so deaths of the King and Queen didn't seem that tragic to poor Prince Meredith.  After all, they'd spent more time worrying about the decorations for the various national holidays than they ever did about their children.  A part of Prince Meredith (who preferred to be called Rodney) was saddened by his parents' sudden deaths due to a strangely comical ballroom dancing accident involving a melting ice sculpture and an improperly secured granite statue.  But a larger part of Rodney was annoyed that his work would be interrupted.  
  
You see, unlike most of the Lords and Ladies of his land, Rodney didn't really care about status or power.  He instead preferred spending time in his workshop, understanding the science of star movement and inventing things to aide his people, instead of flouncing around the kingdom dressed like an insufferable idiot.  His main goal had been to avoid marriage throughout his father's reign, and then upon his father's death, pass the throne on to his sister. Princess Jeannie was a kind, sweet girl who actually liked people and wanted to ensure the kingdom thrived.  Unfortunately, she was still only 16 and thus unable to claim the throne.  Upon the realization that he would need to take the throne and actually deal with people, Rodney had locked himself in his workshop, hiding behind working models of inventions and papers littered with theorems.  
  
The morning after the hilariously tragic incident, Rodney awoke to the sound of someone rapping at his workshop door.   
  
"Rodney, quick!  The Guardian approaches the Castle!"  Rodney knew from the thick Northern accent that the speaker was Radek, Rodney's chief adviser.  Radek wasn't the bravest of men, flinching in the face of most danger.  But he was also smart and very loyal, Rodney's one true friend.  
  
"Okay, alright, fine," Rodney groaned, lifting his head from the table.  Eyes barely open, he shuffled through the workshop and opened the door.  Radek lifted a large clay mug and offered it to Rodney.  With a grunt, Rodney accepted the mug, quickly drinking down the caffeinated beverage.  As the last of the rich, brown drink slipped past his lips, Rodney lowered the mug with a smile.  
  
"How did I live before the discovery of coffee?" he mused.  
  
"I simply remember it as a very dark time, your Highness," Radek recalled with a shrug.  
  
Upon noticing Radek's formal dress, Rodney winced.  "Damn, she's here, isn't she?"  
  
"Very nearly," Radek shrugged.  "But look at it this way: once you are King, you can trade with the people of the southern kingdoms for more of the bean."  
  
Rodney's eyes lit up and he snapped his fingers.  "Good point."   
  
Caffinated and temporarily awake, Rodney handed Radek the mug and headed toward the throne room.  
  
"Uh, Prince Rodney?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"You have paper on your face."   
  
Reaching up, Rodney felt his face and pulled off the sheet of paper, stuck to his face by ink that had been wet when he'd fallen asleep at his desk.  "Oh, maybe I should go bathe."  
  
"I had warm bath drawn for you.  Now go, Jeannie has picked out your outfit."  
  
Twenty minutes later, Rodney stood in the Grand Hall dressed in the traditional tunic of his people, complete with tights.  He hated the tights; they were itchy and, well, tight.   The Grand Hall was draped in rich red and white fabrics, the national emblem of the leaf proudly displayed throughout the Hall.  
  
 _What a waste of time_ , Rodney snorted mentally, _and money.  The Western Plains could have used this money to pay for a new irrigation system_.  His parents had spent months redecorating the Grand Hall.  His mental diatribe was interrupted by a loud creaking as the massive doors were opened to allow the Guardian entrance.  A thin woman of medium height, nothing of her form was especially interesting.  It was the way she carried herself, her face framed by chestnut curls as she seemed to glide closer to Rodney, her white gown and aura of serene power drawing the eyes of all gathered.  
  
Once she arrived to the dais where Rodney stood, she smiled gently and inclined her head respectfully.  "Prince Meredith, I am Elizabeth, Guardian of the AncientCity."  
  
"Oh, hi, I'm Rodney, I mean, I am Prince Meredith, but I prefer Rodney," he babbled.  
  
Off to Rodney's side, Radek cleared his throat loudly.  
  
"Oh, right, sorry," Rodney apologized, gesticulating wildly.  “I'm not so good at... people.  I mean, I try but then they open their mouth let out a stream of stupid and I just... yeah," he finished lamely.  
  
Elizabeth raised an eyebrow.  "I see.  Prince Rodney, you are a brilliant man who could do much good for your kingdom.But you are far removed and estranged from your people, and would be unable to be a good, caring ruler.I can not give you my blessing-."  
  
"Look to me!" a voice cried from the back of the hall.  The crowd parted in shock, revealing the pudgy man with an ill-kept pony tail, the one who had interrupted the Guardian.  "I am the Prince's cousin, Lord Kavanaugh!  Look to me and perhaps find me worthy of being the next ruler."  
  
Elizabeth stared at him, eyebrow arching even higher.  "You are not the next in line for the throne."  
  
"Oh but I am, Your Greatness!  If you declare Rodney unfit, the crown falls to his sister, but as she is too young, it will then fall to me!"  
  
"No.  Just no," Elizabeth stated coldly, glaring at Kavenaugh.  
  
"But-."  
  
"No," she ground out, turning back to Rodney.  "You have it in you to be a great ruler, but are not as yet.  Instead, I challenge you with a quest, one that will test you in many ways and truly prepare you to make the difficult choices a ruler must.  Once you complete it and return, I will grant you my blessing.  Until then, your sister will act in your stead with my aide, to give legitimacy to her choices."  
  
Rodney's adam's apple bobbed noticeably as he swallowed, eyes widened with alarm.  "What's my quest?"  
  
* * * * * * * * * *  
Two weeks later, Rodney and Radek were on horseback, finally entering the south lands.  Earlier that morning, they finally reached the mountain range that separated the northern and southern lands.  
  
"She's insane!" Rodney wailed.  "I mean, she might as well have asked me to- to-to-."  
  
"Stop talking?Be nice?  Stop complaining?" Radek supplied.  
  
"Oh, very funny, scullery maid.  That's right, when we get back, you're going to be a scullery maid!" Rodney fumed, loosening his grip on the reins long enough to shake a finger at his friend.“Complete with a skirt and little ruffly things!”  
  
Radek snickered.  
  
"That is, if we get back," Rodney added, his voice softening as his lips fell into an unhappy slant.  "She is insane; I mean, come on, she gives me a shiny rock and tells me take a company of four men so that I can use said rock to destroy the Wraith.  THE WRAITH!  The scourge of all our world, the darkness of the south lands!"  
  
"They can't be that bad," a voice interjected.  Rodney looked ahead of himself to one of the four soldiers riding with him.  
  
"What did you say, Lieutenant Ford?"    
  
Rodney winced at the steely tone of Colonel Sumner's voice.  The Colonel was definitely not a happy man, though he was rather attractive.  

_In a scary way,_ Rodney added mentally.  Rodney's attraction to men was part of the reason Rodney wanted to pass the crown to Jeannie; he didn't like women, which would make it impossible for him to produce an heir.  Sure, he could just pretend and agree to an arranged marriage, but he didn't think he could pull off liking someone, especially a woman he was being forced to sleep with, long enough to be aroused enough to actually... finish the deed.  
  
The young soldier cleared his throat before speaking again.  "I said the Wraith can't be that bad, Sir.  I mean, they've been kept back by the peoples of the south for generations."  
  
"Really?  I heard it's because the leaders of the southern kingdoms formed an alliance with the mountain people.  They say the women are as strong as normal men, and that the men are giants," countered Lieutenant Cadman, the only female in their little expedition.  
  
"So you're saying you aren't as strong as a man?" Lieutenant Ford teased.    
  
The female warrior rolled her eyes.  "Don't push it, Ford; just because I can't dig a ditch as fast as you can, I can still thrash you in the training circle."  
  
"And it's true," Colonel Sumner confirmed with a chuckle.  "Your Highness, one of the best things your Grandfather did as King was allowing the women into army."  
  
"Yes yes yes, I get it, he was a great leader and I'll never live up to him," Rodney griped.He’d been keenly aware since his early years that he was a disappointment to his father as the only male heir.  
  
"Have you ever seen a Wraith, Colonel?" Sergeant Stackhouse asked, drawing attention from Rodney's admission.  
  
"I have.  Twenty years ago, the Wraith gathered their forces to push through the south mountain lands.  General Hammond of the United American Territories sent out for aide to all the mountain, hill and northern peoples, and I was one of many who responded.  The Wraith are tall, of great strength and they never stop, never rest.  They take their strength and sustenance from their victims, draining out their very life, leaving only a dessicated husk behind."  
  
"My that was vivid," Rodney whimpered.  
  
The group fell silent until Stackhouse broke the tension.  
  
"Wow, they sound like my first wife," he quipped.    
  
"Shut up, Stackhouse," Cadman yelled.  
  
* * * * * * * * * *  
  
It took three days for them to clear the mountain pass.  When they finally emerged from the chilling winds and snow, they were surrounded by rolling, tree-covered hills.  They moved quickly, hoping to reach the river before nightfall, but the plan wasn't to head directly through the valley to the mountains where the Wraith lived.  
  
"Okay, so explain to me again why we're taking the long way to the Wraith lands?" Rodney whined, his entire body sore.    
  
"Because Wraith have agents everywhere, so we must be sneaky," Radek repeated tiredly.  
  
"Oh yes, they'll really be afraid of our shiny rock and four fighters," Rodney grumbled. _Stupid shiny rock; it’d better be good for something._  
  
"The Wraith have long kept their attentions to the south for a reason your Highness," Sumner started.  
  
"Yeah, it's called a mountain range," Rodney snorted.  
  
"No, it's because of the Ancienty City.  The Wraith remember when the Ancients flourished and covered the land, forcing the Wraith to slumber for ages.  They know what kind of power the Ancients can offer, even if they are few in number now."  
  
"Yes yes, the Ancients were all powerful," Rodney scoffed.  "But come on, the people of the Southern Hills have beds."  
  
"But if we stick to the forests and avoid others, we may escape the Wraith's notice," Stackhouse explained.  "You never know if someone has turned traitor and reports to the Wraith."  
  
"Fine," Rodney assented, sighing heavily.  "We'll stay away from the Southern Hill people."  
  
Rodney frowned, images of soft beds and a warm bath floating through his head.  "Well, it's probably a good thing we aren't seeing them, anyways.  I've heard they have strange accents, wear skirts and like sheep too much."  
  
"Hey, be nice to the..., what do they call themselves?" Cadman asked.  
  
"Scots," Sumner answered.  
  
"Yeah, be nice to the Scots; at least they play football," Cadman urged.  
  
"So do the Americans," Ford countered.  
  
Sumner snorted.  "No, they call it football, but it's very different and strange.  They don't even use the right ball.  Hell, it's not even the right shape."  
  
"Okay, so it's different," Stackhouse conceeded, "but that doesn't mean it's a bad thing."  
  
"The games take forever," Sumner revealed.  "By the time they finish one game, we could have played two."  
  
"Oh who cares, I mean, okay, so they're stupid.  But they're the ones that harvest the coffee beans," Rodney snapped.  
  
The four soldiers fell quite.  In the past seventeen days, they'd learned that while Prince Rodney could live without bathing and a cushy bed, he could not function without the dark liquid.

"Good point," Radek conceded.The four soldiers nodded in agreement as their horses continued to plod along.  
  
It was Cadman who finally broke the silence.  "Hey, your Highness?  Which would you rather give up for the rest of your life: chocolate or coffee?"  
  



	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>   In order to be crowned King, Prince Rodney must undertake a terrifying quest

The group spent the next four days traveling along the hills at the base of the mountain range that encircled the southern valley.  They headed south west, the stark trees and hills hiding them from others.  Finally, they reached the westernmost edge of the range and began the final portion of the journey.  From then on, they would be within easy reach of Wraith attack parties.

The tree and brush cover soon thinned out and the party was forced to move further up the hills for cover.  The winds there blew colder, the landscape jard and forbidding as though the very soil had been drained by the Wraith.  The sun lay hidden behind a thick shroud of clouds, making the day seem as cold as the night.  Of course, once night finally came, the temperature dropped even further.

"Okay, I am from North Mountains, and even I am agreeing that it is cold," Radek grumbled.

"I think I lost feeling in my legs, and my ass was already numb," Rodney grouched back.

Rolling her eyes, Cadman urged her horse forward and rode beside Rodney.  During the course of the journey, the group had learned that not only did Rodney require a large supply of coffee, he also needed to eat every few hours.  At first the soldiers had thought it was simply a sense of entitlement.  But they quickly learned that if Rodney didn't eat every few hours, he grew weak and dizzy, which only made Rodney even more difficult to be around.

"You'll feel better if you eat something, Highness," she pointed out.

"I already ate my daily snack ration," Rodney explained, shooting Colonel “Food-Dictator” Sumner a vicious glare.  

"Here," she said, reaching into her bag and pulling out a small bag of dried meat.  "I didn't finish my ration today.  You can have it."

"Oh, thanks," Rodney stuttered, surprised.  "That's really nice of you."

"Hey, anything to make you shut up," she teased.

Rodney rolled his eyes and grumbled under his breath, a small smile pulling at the corners of his mouth.

As their horses continued to move through the darkness, Rodney slipped his hand into his saddle bag.  Inside lay his journal, a small knife, a pen and various other odd and ends.  It also held the rock the Guardian had given him.  Rodney frowned and began contemplating it again.  Elizabeth was the Guardian of the Ancient City, she had to have an idea of what Rodney would be facing.  Unless she was inbred and thus of low intelligence.  Given the limited number of Ancients still living, Rodney thought it a viable option.

  
 _The rock has to mean something or actually do something_ , he thought, frowning.  Before embarking on the quest, Rodney and Radek had studied the rock closely.  It was primarily composed of a common rock, but parts of it were made of something the two scientists had never seen before.  As he let go of the rock and returned his attention to his traveling companions, he noticed the soldiers suddenly tensing on their steeds.  All four warriors were suddenly far more alert, anticipating something.  Even Radek had noticed, and was now whimpering as he clutched his reins tightly.

"What, is there something wrong?" Rodney asked.

An object hurtled through the darkening sky, landing in their midst.  Before anyone could move away, the object exploded with a loud bang.  As dirt shot into the air, smoke surrounded them and the horses began to buck and whinny, afraid.  To his right, Rodney barely even registered a dark blur as it rushed forward and pulled him from his horse.  He yelped and began beating his hands against whomever was pulling him away from the group as the cold winds quickly swept away the smoke.

"Let me go you inbred mountain freak!" Rodney shrieked.  Sumner, Ford and Cadman had calmed their horses, and had already pulled out their crossbows.  Stackhouse was still trying to calm his horse, while Radek was clinging to his, whimpering in his native tongue.

"Release our man," Sumner ordered.  Rodney twisted his head to look up at the person who was pulling on him.  What he saw didn't reassure him.  Holding him captive was a tall man, at least a head taller than Rodney, with broad shoulders, bulging muscles and long hair twisted into braids.

"Oh God, I've been kidnapped by a giant," Rodney whimpered.

"Lower your weapons," the stranger growled in a low voice.

"I can take him out from here, Sir," Cadman yelled, her voice cold.

"And then my men kill you," the giant shot back.

"I don't see any other men," Sumner said, holding his crossbow steady.

The attacker let out a high-pitched whistle with a clear melody.  Over a dozen variations of the whistle, some high, some low, sounded from the surrounding hills.  Sumner narrowed his eyes, hesitating.

The tall man jerked his head, and the Canadians watched as a handful of men and women seemed to seep out of the darkness. They were all dressed in the same manner as their initial attacker, covered in skins and furs that blended in with the colors of the hills.  Cadman, Ford and Stackhouse (who had finally calmed his horse) looked to Sumner, who reluctantly nodded.  The soldiers slowly lowered their weapons, relinquishing them to the hill fighters who had stepped forward.

"Off your horses," the large man growled, shoving Rodney away. The four quickly dismounted while Radek attempted to mimic their smooth grace.  He failed and fell from his horse, arms flailing as one foot tangled in the stirrup. His shoulders hit the ground while his trapped foot kept his lower body suspended in the air.  The giant hill man stepped forward and gripped the fabric of Radek’s tunic, easily lifting his from the ground with one hand while the other untangled Radek’s foot. 

“Oh, thank you,” Radek muttered as he straightened his glasses, bashfully smiling up at the attractive tall man… who was currently kidnapping them. The smile dropped from Radek’s face as the lead kidnapper grunted and pulled Radek over to where the others stood, though if he was more gentle with Radek than he had been with Rodney, no one really noticed.  A few more people came out of the shadows and began removing the saddle bags and weapons from the horses.

The tall man then pulled some straps of leather  out of his tunic and bound Rodney's wrists together.  Other  members of the attacking party followed suit and soon all of the Canadians were bound, then tied to a long rope.  The tall man walked away, pulling the rope behind him while several members of the attacking group walked alongside.  Rodney had no choice but to follow, trying not to stumble as twilight fell and shadows grew.  The group was led further up the hills and into the mountains.  The silence and tension began to wear on Rodney, further stressing his frayed nerves.

"Where are we going?" Rodney finally asked.

There was no answer.  

"Well I don't suppose you'd happen to have any water on you?  My throat is dry."

His question was met by silence.

"Well I hope you do know that a 15% loss of bodily fluids could kill us."

Again, there was silence. 

"You know, if you're kidnapping people to feed to the Wraith, you might want to keep them in better health.  I'm sure your masters will be angry if you drag us in dead!"

The tall man stopped abruptly, causing Rodney to run into him.  As Rodney's flapped his elbows to maintain his balance, the man turned to glare down at him.

"We're not with the Wraith."  

The glare was filled with a cold loathing, lodging a knot of icy fear in Rodney's stomach.

  
"Oh, okay,” he squeaked.  “Well, that's good to know.  Wait, you’re not going to kill us, are you?" 

The man merely grunted again, then turned away and continued walking.

"Damn it, Your Hi- you're pissing them off, Rodney," Sumner hissed from behind Rodney.

Rodney paled at Sumner's slip.  It probably wouldn't be good for their kidnappers to know who Rodney was.  To his surprise, Rodney's terror grew.  Thus he remained silent for the remainder of the journey.  Eventually, the path moved away from the scattered trees dotting the hillside and up into the sharper crags of the mountainside.  Night fell, cold and back, making the journey seemed endless as they were led through ravines and around boulders and rock slides.  After walking for what seemed to be hours,  they reached a small opening in the side of a mountain, which was guarded by two men.

The tall man merely nodded at the two sentries before continuing inside.  He led them down the passage, past tunnels that branched off.  Some appeared natural while others appeared to have been carved out by human hands.  Torches were attached to the walls providing minimal light as they moved deeper and deeper into the mountain.  The caves and tunnels were filled with other people,  who stared at Rodney and company with great curiosity and suspicion.  While not a soldier, Rodney did notice that all that everyone in the caves were adults, men and women who carried themselves like soldiers.  There were no children.  The tall man led them into another, narrower tunnel that opened into a large cavern.  They finally stopped there. 

Blankets and various other items were strewn about.  A gaping hole in the top of the cavern allowed for a fire, which, along with the torches attached to the walls, created a warm, orange glow in the cavern.  A blanket was stretched up over another entrance, one of four tunnels that led into the cavern.  It was moved aside as a woman walked in, smiling at the large man.

"Ronon, I see you have returned safe; I am pleased.  And I am also pleased to see that your captives are unharmed."

The tall man, apparently called Ronon, grunted before speaking.  "Should've killed them.  It's safer."

He walked away and crouched against the wall, his eyes focused on the group while Radek tried not to look at Ronon.

"I know, but it was not your decision," the woman said.  She then turned toward the captives and smiled at them.  "You may be seated around the fire."

As the group moved toward the fire, another man entered the cavern and approached them, studying them.

"Are you alright?" he asked in an accented voice, frowning.

"You mean aside from being attacked, kidnapped and dragged around by that ape?  Oh yeah, we're great," Rodney sneered.

The man hesitated, wincing.  "Oh, well, I just wanted to see if you were injured."

"Carson is a healer," Teyla explained smoothly.

"Oh, great," Rodney mumbled,  "just what I needed, a superstitious imbecile to stick leeches on my face."

 Carson frowned, his face a mixture of horror and self-righteous indignation. 

"Now excuse me, I'll have you know that I'm not one of those sorts who works by all the old wives tales; I'm a proper healer."

"Oh please, is there even a difference?" Rodney snorted.

"Just ignore him; the only person he has a high opinion of is himself," Cadman interjected with a roll of her eyes.

Carson took a deep breath before responding to her.  "Yes, I can see that.  I just wanted to make sure that none of you were injured."

"Well we're fine, aside from some dehydration.  Apparently _someone_ thought we didn't need water," Rodney answered, casting a haughty glance toward Ronon.  "You know, a 15% loss of one's bodily fluids can be fatal."

"Yes, I did know that.  I'll see about getting you some water, then," Carson offered.  He quickly walked away from them, shaking his head while muttering under his breath.

No one else approached them, though the others in the cavern still watched them warily.  The prisoners huddled around the fire, their heads bent together.

"So what do we do?" Rodney whispered fearfully.

"Leave the disclosure to me, reveal nothing," Sumner ordered.  "We don't know who they are or what their allegiance is."

The group nodded.  Finally, Carson and another man approached with bowls of water as the flap over the other entrance was lifted once again, revealing a man.  An attractive man with dark, messy hair and a relaxed grin.  Rodney felt himself staring and quickly diverted his attention to his water.

   
 _Focus, McKay,_ he chided himself.  _Don't get nervous, damn it!  When you're nervous, you babble and say too much.  Ignore the sexy, lazy smile!_

"So," the new guy drawled lazily, "These are the people you've been stalking for two days?"

_Oh crap, he even sounds sexy!_ Rodney thought, wincing and Ronon grunted.

"I'll take that as a 'yes,'" messy hair sniped, smiling.

"You've been following us for two days?" Ford blurted out.  Sumner shot him a harsh glare.

"Well, yeah.  But Ronon was on his own until a few hours ago.  Don't feel bad, though.  Ronon is pretty sneaky," messy hair consoled them.

"But he's a giant!" Rodney sputtered, breaking his silence and his previous record for keeping quiet.  "How can someone so big be so...." Rodney trailed off, gesturing with his bound arms and wriggling his fingers, sloshing water over his hands.

Messy hair guy smiled and Rodney felt his tummy flip. Had he not been surrounded by kidnappers, Rodney would have slapped himself in the forehead.

  
_Damn it Rodney, no getting all schoolgirly on your kidnapper! No matter how attractive he is, it’s not a good idea! Even if he does have pretty lips._

"So, my name is John, and that's Evan and next to him is Teyla, and that's Carson, our healer, and Ronon," John explained, pointing to a man in the corner.  He stood near the woman who had greeted them, next to Carson and Ronon.  "Anyways, we sort of head up this little group, leading guerrilla attacks against the Wraith, gathering intel, killing them when we can."

John's introductions gave way to an expectant silence.  Biting his lip, Rodney looked to Sumner, who slowly studied each and every person in the room.  Finally, Sumner spoke, his eyes focused on Ronon.

“You’re Satedan.” 

Ronon's dark gaze focused on Sumner.

“Satedan?” Cadman gasped.

"That's incredible," Ford grinned, looking at Ronon with something akin to hero worship.

“Okay, what the hell am I missing now?” Rodney huffed.

“The Satedan’s were a great warrior clan. They held the Wraith off for generations, alone, until the Wraith Hives grouped together to wipe them out. The majority were killed, but many Satedans survived,” Ford explained, his eyes widened in awe.

“How did you know he’s one?” John asked. 

“Twenty years ago I was part of the group that joined to repel the Wraith advance. I worked with a warrior named Kalen Dex; he told me about his people and their markings,” Sumner answered. 

John glanced over at Ronon in surprise.

“He was my father; he was killed during the Wraith attack on my people,” Ronon finally said. 

Sumner nodded as he spoke.  “He was a good man. I’m Colonel Sumner, and these three are Lieutenant Ford, Lieutenant Cadman, and Sergeant Stackhouse,” he said, introducing the four military members.

"What?" Rodney squawked, indignant. "What about your endless lecturing on being quiet and sneaky?"

“And those two?” John drawled, ignoring Rodney's comment while nodding towards Rodney and Radek.

“They’re the scientists we’re traveling with: Rodney McKay and Radek Zelenka.”

Rodney scowled as Radek offered a timid wave.

“Radek Zelenka? I have not heard a name like that before,” Teyla said.

“I am from the Northern Mountains, above Canada,” Radek explained.

"Who sent you?" Ronon asked.

"The leaders of Canada," Sumner answered.

“Wait, the leaders of Canada?  I thought the King and Queen died,” John said.

“They did.  It was a… tragic ballroom dancing accident,” Sumner explained. 

“Ballroom dancing?” Evan echoed, eyes wide.

“Yeah, it was this whole thing with an ice sculpture and an improperly secured granite statue,” Rodney explained with a dismissive wave of his hand.

“So who took the throne?” John asked.

Rodney and the others fell silent.

“Prince Meredith,” Radek finally said.  

John frowned and glanced over at Ronon and Teyla before returning his gaze to the captives.  “It took you that long to remember his name?” 

“Well, he is kind of a jerk,” Ford blurted out sheepishly. 

“And unable to follow any orders or advice,” Sumner said. 

“And he whines a lot,” Cadman added.

“And eats a lot,” Stackhouse offered with a snickered. 

“And he’s not as smart as he thinks he is,” Radek mumbled. 

“Hey!” Rodney yelped, “He is so!” 

“You just say that because you get coffee,” Radek countered.

Rodney frowned was preparing to deliver a scathing comeback when John interrupted him. 

“You like coffee?” John asked, smiling at Rodney. 

Rodney fell silent, dumbstruck at  the smile directed toward him.  He'd thought John's smile sexy before, but having that entire focus and power of that look focused on him?  It was mind-numbing.  Shaking his head, Rodney finally grinned back before muttering, “Yes, yes I do.”

“That’s great,” John said. “Most of the mountain people don’t like it, and I heard most Canadians prefer tea.”

“Yes, well, they’re idiots,” Rodney explained with a sniff.

John laughed softly, and Rodney found himself smiling wider in response.

“Why are you here?” Ronon asked.

Sumner glanced at his subordinates as well as Radek and Rodney. “I think we should tell them.”

“What? What about all that crap you said about spies and Wraith sympathizers and everything?” Rodney argued.

“We have something in common with these people: they want the Wraith dead. Hell, they want them dead even more that we do.  We'll need help and we have to trust someone.  And I trust the Satedan.”

"Oh, so you do some masculine bonding and that's enough for you to tell them everything and damn the consequences?  Are you an idiot?!"

Sumner tensed and shot Rodney an icy glare.  "We don't know the lands, we need help."

“But he wanted to kill us,” Rodney explained slowly, pointing to his mouth as he spoke.

"Well, killing us would be a good idea," Stackhouse conceded.  Rodney stared at him with wide eyes.

"Hey, it's true," Cadman added.  "If anyone finds out who these guys are or where they are, the Wraith will wipe them out.  It's not a nice solution, but this is war.  They're fighting for their people."

Rodney frowned and crossed his arms over his chest before sighing loudly.  

"Fine.  You want to know why we're here?  We're here because I have been charged with a quest to destroy the Wraith." 

Complete silence met Rodney's proclamation.

"You're supposed to destroy the Wraith?" Evan asked, suppressing a laugh.

"Yes, I know, it's hilarious.  But at least I have a working brain, so that helps," Rodney shot back.

“Could you bring me the saddlebag from Rodney’s horse?” Sumner asked.

John nodded at Evan, who went through the tunnel Rodney and others had come through.  John moved closer and crouched down beside Rodney.  Pulling a knife out of his boot, he quickly sliced through the leather bindings.

 “Normally, I’d try to untie them, but Ronon ties some pretty tough knots,” John explained, smiling at Rodney. 

 Rodney’s mouth hung open slightly as he stared into his eyes. He absently rubbed his wrists as the circulation returned to them, continuing to gape as John moved on to cut the others free.  Evan soon returned carrying Rodney’s saddlebag.  He handed it to Sumner who handed it to Rodney. Rodney began to rifle through it, tossing out notebooks, a knife and various other oddities he’d stuffed into the bag. Finally, he found the rock.

With a triumphant hum and slanted grin, Rodney pulled out the rock and held it up.  John, Teyla, Evan, Carson and Ronon stared at the rock, confused.

“It’s a rock,” John finally said.

“Hopefully not just a rock, or we'll all meet a horrible and painful end,” Rodney grumbled, wincing slightly

“The Guardian of the Ancient City sent us, and she said we'd need the rock," Sumner explained.

"But it's a rock," John echoed, his horrified, confused expression mirrored by Evan.

"Thank you!  That is what I said!  I said this was a stupid suicide mission but did anyone listen to me?  No!" Rodney argued, hands flailing.

"We did listen to you; but then we started ignoring you," Cadman corrected.

Rodney's ire and energy seemed to deflate at her response.  

"Everyone does," he muttered, looking at the ground and missing the quizzical look John gave him.

"I do not believe that the Guardian would give you a rock unless it served some purpose," Teyla pointed out.  Rodney shrugged.  
  
"Really, because somehow I think it would be fitting that I die in the south lands at the hands of Wraith, since I've spent my life in Canada hiding in my workshop."  
  
"May I see the rock, please?" Carson.

"Fine," Rodney huffed, handing Carson the rock.  "And by the way, what kind of accent is that?  It's horrible."

"I'm from the Southern Hills," he answered, taking the rock and studying it closely.

"Really, you're Scottish?"  Laura asked, smiling at him.  The smile only dropped from her face once Sumner cleared his throat pointedly.

"Aye," Carson muttered, moving closer to a torch as he studied the rock.  "Do you mind if I take this and study it?"

Radek looked at Rodney, who shrugged.

"We have studied the rock, and it appears to be primarily composed of granite.  The white veins seem to be something else, an element unknown to us," Radek explained. 

Brow furrowed, Carson walked out of the cavern, studying the rock, talking under his breath.

"Many of the others in Ronon's raiding party have not eaten.  Would you like to eat as well?"  Teyla asked.

A wave of affirmative answers sounded from all in the room, bringing a gentle smile to Teyla's lips as she left the cavern.

Rolling his eyes, Rodney stood and stretched his legs, walking around the cavern.

"So, Rodney, you're a scientist?  What kind?"

Turning, he found himself a scant few inches away from John, looked directly into those hazel eyes, that lazy grin within kissing distance.  Choking back a whimper, one thought popped into Rodney's mind:

_I'm doomed._

* * * * * * * *


	3. A Royal Pain in the Ass, Part Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>   Prince Rodney must complete a quest in order to be named King ****

Dinner had been a simple affair, comprised of bird meat and any vegetables the fighters had been able to trade for. It was lightly spiced and Rodney enjoyed it.  Then again, after eating Sergeant Stackhouse's cooking for over two weeks, Rodney would have enjoyed almost anything.  Over the past weeks, Rodney had grown accustomed to and fond of being treated just like anyone else.  During the meal with the soldiers, they spoke to Rodney as though he were a normal person, no false kindness or scraping obsequience. It was nice.

Carson had returned halfway through the meal, mumbling about particles while eating.  After the meal, many of the fighters had left for caves unknown while the rest of them moved to sit around the fire.  So high up in the mountains, there was nothing in the way of evening entertainment, save conversation.  It was relaxed and calm, filled with questions about life in Canada.  Eventually , the talk turned toward daily life in the south lands.  
  
"So where do the Wraith come from?" Laura asked.  "I mean, everyone says they aren't human, but they have to be from somewhere."  
  
"There are many whispers and rumors," Teyla said slowly.  "Some say they were once men who stood against the Ancients, their cruelty and hatred transforming them into an unnatural creature.  Others say a group of hunters were trapped in forbidden land and as punishment were turned into monsters.  And some say that they were beasts who grew to be shaped like men."  
  
"The Forbidden Lands?" Stackhouse asked, frowning.  
  
"Lands in the far south.  Cold and barren; nothing grows there," Ronon explained.  "It's where all the Wraith hide."  
  
"So how were they actually created?" Ford asked.  
  
"No one knows," John said, shrugging.  
  
"All of the legends bear one similarity," Teyla continued.  "They were originally something different, but were then somehow transformed."  
  
"The fact that they are so physically similar to humans suggests that there is some truth to the notion that the Wraith were once human," Carson added.    
  
From there, the conversation devolved into speculation and anecdotes.  One advantage to being a genius meant that Rodney could absorb information while only paying slight attention.  Rodney was exhausted, each yawn bringing tears to eyes that were fighting to stay open.  
  
"Tired, McKay?"  
  
Rodney eyelids fluttered as he met John's intent, amused gaze.   
  
"Yes. Don't usually sleep that well, and especially not on the ground," he grumbled, blushing slightly.  
  
"Well, we've got some extra caverns, so we'll find you some bedding.  Hey, Evan?"  
  
Evan looked over at John.  "Yes Sir?"  
  
"Take Rodney to one of the empty caves, I think he's ready to pass out."  
  
Evan nodded and stood.  Rodney grabbed his saddle bag and wandered down the cavern, following Evan into a smaller cave.  
  
"You can stay here," he said, gesturing to the floor.  "Ronon will bring you some bales of straw for bedding.  It's not great, but it's better than nothing."  
  
Rodney nodded, tossing his pack on the floor as Evan turned to leave the room.  Evan paused.  
  
"If you want, there's a series of warm springs that run from higher up the mountain.  By the time is runs down here, it's isn't hot, but it's not freezing.  Just follow the tunnel further down.  Most of the men use it at night to clean up before sleeping."  
  
"Oh, thanks," Rodney mumbled, only half-hearing Evan's offer.  
  
Evan left, his footsteps silent.  Sighing again, Rodney crouched down to go through his pack.  Looking through it, he began cursing.  Once again, items went flying from his bag as he searched.  
  
"Something wrong?"  
  
Rodney started, his hands flying up to protect his face as he spun around.  John stood in the entrance to the cave, smirking as Rodney slowly lowered his hands and glared.  
  
"Are you trying to stop my heart?!" Rodney sputtered  
  
John laughed quietly.  "You know, I get the feeling that you don't like people, McKay."  
  
"No, not really.  They're idiots who use legends and myths to avoid responsibility and duty."  
  
John laughed and shook his head.  
  
"You are something else, McKay," he said, grinning easily.  He walked closer until his body was only a few inches away.  John raised his arm, the back of his hand brushing against Rodney's chest.  Rodney swallowed hard at the contact.  Despite the scientific impossibility of less than a second's contact being able to significantly change his bodies temperature, Rodney felt his body warm.  Looking down, he saw John's fingers clasping a book.  
  
"Wait, is that my journal?" he asked.  
  
"Yeah, you left in the main cavern."  
  
"Oh, thanks," Rodney muttered, truly grateful.  It was the journal he'd been frantically searching for.  It wasn't a journal in the traditional sense; Rdoney could never see the purpose in writing about the dull day to day duties of his life.  Instead, he studied books and science, then wrote his conclusions and ideas down.  His mind never seemed to slow down, and oftentimes, no matter how tired he was, Rodney wouldn't be able to sleep until he had emptied his mind onto the paper.  
  
"Hey Rodney, I need to ask: is that your handwriting?"  
  
Rodney frowned.  "Yes, why?"  
  
"Just thought you approach to equations regarding the movement of the nearby constellations were really... inventive, but practical."  
  
"Wait, what?  You understood this?" Rodney's eyes were wide, mouth twisted in amazement.  
  
"Hey, I'm not just a pretty face."  
  
"Of course you're not, I mean, not that you're not pretty, you are, not that I think you're pretty, but I mean, you're much... I'm shutting up now," Rodney finished with a groan, grimacing.  
  
John's lips were pressed together in a tight, amused line, his eyebrows arched as he tried his hardest not to laugh while the scientist's face turned bright red.  
  
"You look pretty tense," John noted.  "I'm going to the warm springs further up the mountain; care to join me?  It'll help you relax."  
  
By his very nature, Rodney was a loud and abrasive person.  However, his self-assured manner didn't extend to his personal life, particularly his self-image.  Rodney was well-aware of the fact that he was more attractive than his cousin, Lord Kavanaugh.  But he was also fairly aware that he was nothing special, with his soft middle, pale skin, and weak body.  So to say the idea of appearing nude near John terrified Rodney, well, that was an understatement.  
  
But the mental image of John, nude and glistening, also sent a shiver through his body.  Which could only lead to a rather awkward situation regarding Rodney's reaction.  Then Rodney imagined himself, also nude, next to John.  The thought of his pale body, compared to what John's must look like, quickly cooled Rodney's heated thoughts.  
  
"Rodney?"  
  
Rodney was torn out of his thoughts by John's voice.  
  
"So, Rodney, do you want to come with me, go bathe?"  
  
Faced with a chance to see John naked, which did appeal to Rodney, juxtaposed with his fear of revealing himself, Rodney fell back to his tried and true method of dealing with uncertainty.  
  
"God, first Evan, then you.  What, do I really smell that bad or did everyone finally grow stupid and decide that they want to see me naked?" Rodney grouched.  His eyes widened as the last of the words slipped past his lips.  
  
John frowned, the smile dropping from his face.  Rodney felt his stomach freeze and drop toward his knees. But then that infuriatingly slow and easy grin spread across John's face.  
  
"Maybe," he said, smirking.  Shaking his head, John turned and walked out of the cave.  
  
"Wait, maybe what? Maybe to the stinking thing or the... naked... thing...."  Rodney's voice trailed off with a whimper.  
  
John never answered.  
  
* * * * * * * * * *  


After a week of living in the caves, Rodney had come to a firm, solid conclusion: 

John was evil.   
  
And not only was John evil, but his devilish Master Plan involved driving Rodney insane.  The plan was, in fact, so evil that the phrase "Master Plan" was even capitalized in Rodney’s mind.  
  
Rodney had his reasons for believing this, namely the fact that John was confusing the hell out of him and making his brain hurt.  As it turned out, Ronon and Evan would often be away for days on end, leading missions into Wraith lands. A few days ago, they’d taken all but one of the Canadian soldiers with them. It was by virtue of a game of "rock, paper, scissors" that Ford had been the soldier left behind to watch over Rodney and Radek.  
  
John and Teyla, on the other hand, appeared to be the leaders of the group, and thus one of them always remained in the caves.  Every day, one of the two would disappear for hours on end with a small group, leaving the other ordering Ronon not to kill innocent travelers.  
  
The first full day Rodney spent in the caves, he spent most of his with Radek and Carson in Carson’s workshop/cave.  Throughout the day, John would pop in and ever-so-casually lean against the table Rodney was working on, arms crossed and smirk in place.  He spent most of his time with Rodney joking, asking about Canada and what Rodney did for work.  Despite the pleasant nature of their conversations, it was infuriating because each time John entered the room, Rodney lost track of his previous thoughts. And of course, he turned in a gibbering puddle of school boy whenever John grinned and teased him, which in turn engaged Rodney’s acerbic tongue. It seemed like John was waiting for something, but for what, Rodney had no clue. Over the next week, there were three more days like the first, days where John seemed to be wherever Rodney was.  
  
The only noteworthy development occurred on the one day that Ronon and Evan had returned to the caves.  Ronon had apparently adopted John’s methods and spent his day bothering Radek, though Ronon used far fewer words.  It was on this day that Carson, in a fit of pique, had smashed the rock. It was the only way that Carson knew to get at the white veins of the unknown substance.    
  
Once the rock was broken, the white was revealed to be a compacted powder, fairly soft and vulnerable to heat.  Radek had set aside a small amount on a small piece of metal, then slowly heated it over a candle.  Once liquified, he moved it away from the flame.  Ronon hovered behind Radek, silently observing.  Reaching one long arm forward, he dipped the tip of one finger into the liquid.  He sniffed it, then stuck out his tongue out and barely touched the tip of it to his finger.  
  
Ronon grimaced.  
  
"It’s bitter," he intoned.  
  
Radek slapped at Ronon’s hand. "What is wrong with you? It could have been poisonous!"  
  
Ronon shrugged. 

"I’m still alive," he offered, his face stoic though his eyes glimmered with amusement.  
  
"Well there is a safer way to find out," Carson huffed, moving forward.  He placed the metal in a small bowl, then poured water over it.  The liquids mixed together, the water turning cloudy.  He carried the bowl to the end of the room where a hole in the cave wall let in a small beam of sunlight.  Various plants, some of which had come from the Wraith lands, sat on a small table.  
  
"Well, here goes nothing," Carson muttered.  He poured a small amount into each of the plants. The group watched, curious, but without hope.  Rodney was just praying to the whatever diety watched over sarcastic inventors that the liquid didn't make the plants grow to gigantic proportions.  
  
To their surprise, two of the plants immediately began to wither, turning brown.

Carson's mouth hung open as he stared.  
  
"Well, that's surprising."  
  


* * * * * * * * * *


	4. A Royal Pain in the Ass, Part Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>   Prince Rodney must complete a quest in order to be named King ****

Three days after the plants died and a week since meeting the mountain fighters, Rodney awoke to the sound of yelling.  He quickly scrambled to his feet, only to be felled by the villainous blanket wrapped around his shins.  Radek was standing, tense and twitching while pressed against the cave wall.  Only Ford was prepared for whatever was happening and was armed, having woken first.  He stood ready, loaded crossbow in hand. 

"What's going on?" Rodney asked, untangling his legs. 

"Dunno. Only one way to find out, though," Ford explained with a grin and a shrug.  He then moved stealthily out of their cave and into the main passage.

"Rodney, what do we do?" Radek whispered, his hair wild from sleep. 

Rodney cast his eyes about, frantically searching for a weapon.  His eyes finally landed on the heavy metal pan Stackhouse had used for cooking during the trip.  He picked it up and moved toward the entrance. Looking back at Radek, he watched as the smaller scientist picked up a heavy book.  They nodded at each other, then followed the path Ford had taken.  They moved down the passage, weapons raised and muscles tensed in preparation of battle.  But when they reached the main cavern, the sight was unexpected.  Ford, Cadman, Stackhouse and Sumner, along with all the mountain fighters who'd been out with Ronon and Evan, were laughing and cheering, celebrating.  Teyla and the others were there as well, all looking as though they'd tumbled out of bed.  And John... was shirtless.  And laughing.  John was shirtless and laughing. 

 _Wow,_ Rodney thought, _he looks quite... wow._ Shaking his head, Rodney swallowed hard as he returned his focus to the group. He forced his gaze away from John and landed on Ronon.  Who was...smiling.

"Oh God, Ronon is smiling.  Why is he smiling?  Is that okay?  Did he finally snap?" Rodney asked, leaning toward Radek.  He'd meant to whisper, but his voice still drew the gaze of everyone in the main cavern.  John's eyebrows raised and everyone else chuckled. Except for Ronon, who was barreling toward Rodney.  Rodney closed his eyes and tensed in preparation of an attack.  But the attack never came.  After a few seconds of silence, he slowly opened his eyes and found the giant Satedan warrior kissing Radek, his large hands cradling Radek's face.  Clearing his throat, Rodney scooted away from the pair, cheeks flushing red at the couple's moans.

"Wow; did not see that coming," John muttered.  Teyla's eyes widened.

"Really?  I'm beginning to fear you've hit your head one too many times."

"Funny, Teyla, really funny," John snarked.

Ronon and Radek finally separated, gasping for breath.

Radek looked up with a dreamy smile on his lips.  "That was very nice.  But why is everyone yelling?"

"It worked," Ronon said, his grin feral and hungry.

"What worked?" Rodney asked.

"The powder from the rock the Guardian gave you," Sumner explained.  "Ronon had a hunch and he liquefied some of the powder and dipped an arrowhead into it.  When he shot a Wraith in the shoulder with it, the Wraith collapsed and died within minutes."

"Huh.  That is good news," Rodney acknowledged.  "So what do we do now?"

Everyone paused, suddenly contemplative.  During the brief lull in conversation, Radek grabbed Ronon by the front of his shirt and dragged him from the cavern. 

"Guess we know what they'll be doing," Ford said, snickering.

"Yes,yes, they'll be having sex.  Unfortunately, I highly doubt one poisoned arrow and them having sex will stop of the other thousands of Wraithout there," Rodney grumbled, flapping his hand in irritation.

"Perhaps we could apply the poison to all of our weapons; it would certainly increase our success," Teyla suggested.

"True,but we don't have very much left.  It wasn't a large amount to start with.  And we don't know how watering the poison down would change the poison's efficacy," Carson offered.

"Well that can't be all of the poison there is," Cadman countered.  "I mean, the powder has to come from somewhere."

"It's surrounded by gray granite," Rodney suddenly said, snapping his fingers. 

"Yes, it is.  Did you just figure that out?" John asked, frowning. 

Carson's eyes widened with sudden understanding. "Oh, I see.  And the color of granite differs depending on the elements surrounding it."

"So granite from different places have different colors," Stackhouse concluded.

"Yes, thank you for dumbing down the obvious," Rodney sneered.  "Now all we have to do is figure out where the specific chemical composition of that granite would be most likely to occur."

"Ronon is very familiar with all of the south lands; he would be the best person to ask," Teyla offered.

No one said anything until Evan finally broke the silence.   

"Okay, so who wants to interrupt Ronon?"

 

* * * * * * * * * 

As it turned out, no one wanted to interrupt Ronon.  Rodney was fairly certain that if Ronon didn't kill the messenger, Radek would find away.  He was sneaky that way.  But a day later, when the pair finally appeared for food, it also turned out that Ronon only had to study the rock for a few minutes to know where the rock came from.  

The Satedans had once had a small but remarkable culture.  Centuries ago,the warriors had studied and explored the lands that surrounded them, gathering foods and knowledge from all over the continent.  Their small cities had been populated with buildings and statues made from the granite that the Guardian had given Rodney.  And as cruel fortune would have it, the granite only occurred deep in Wraith territory.  Luckily,the Satedans had also drawn extensive maps, the majority of which had survived the ages.  

After a small conference, it was decided that they would go to retrieve more of the poison.  It was also decided that the safety of numbers would be exchanged for stealth on a mission to retrieve more of the poison.  Whoever didn't venture deep into the Wraith Lands would guard the boarder, preparing for whatever would follow.  Only a small team would be going, comprised of John, Ronon, Evan, Sumner, Cadman, Rodney and Radek. 

So nine days after being attacked by Ronon, twenty-nine days after leaving Canada, Rodney was once again embarking on another arduous journey, carrying pickaxes, shovels and hand drills that had been used to expand the caves. They started at dawn, the clouds a shroud that smothered the world in gray.  The winds blew cold, and the group's tension levels increased the further south they went.  John no longer joked, and to Rodney's surprise, Ronon could be even more terse than usual.  The second day,they had stopped at a small stream.  Ronon had tasted the water and declared it clean.  They had all started to fill their water skins when a small Wraith scouting party had come up the hill, apparently planning on doing the same.  John and the other fighters had quickly killed the Wraith, blades dipped in the remainder of the liquid poison.  But while battling the Wraith was something the others were accustomed to, Rodney had never seen as Wraith before.  Their pale skin, white hair, and jagged fangs scared him in a primal fashion.  Deep within, Rodney recognized that they were predators and the sight of John fighting them, of seeing the creatures' strength had terrified him.  After that close call, the group had then moved further up in the hills to avoid the remaining raiding parties. 

By the third day, the lands surrounding Rodney and the others were devoid of any colorful plant life, the hillsides dotted only with sickly colored scrub brush,similar to that Carson had in his lab.  The group was high up in the foothills that surrounded the mountain that the granite came from. Before dawn the next morning, the group would head into the quarry that hadn't been used in hundreds of years.  But for the night, they were camped in the foothills near the river that started at the springs deep inside the mountain.  While the Wraith  avoided the mountain(which Rodney attributed to the presence of the poison), a fire would still attract attention.  So they had no camp fire, and their evening meal consisted of only dried meat and water.  Sumner and Lorne were watching over the group, looking out for the Wraith while the others were huddled together, whispering.  Rodney sat against a boulder at one end of the campsite, away from the others, staring up at the stars.  He turned at the sound of a soft scuffing, the weak moonlight barely illuminating John's approaching figure.  John smiled as he sat down next to Rodney, their bodies touching from shoulder to knee.

"Hey McKay," he whispered, "Ready for tomorrow?"

"Does it matter?" Rodney mumbled.  Despite Rodney's blustering, he knew that the Guardian had sent him for a reason.  And it wasn't just Rodney's life at stake, it was the survival of all humans.  Every year the Wraith grew stronger, pushing harder against the southern countries.

John rested one hand on Rodney's shoulder, the weight and warmth of it somehow reassuring.  "It's okay, buddy; I'll look out for you."

"Too bad I can't do the same," Rodney immediately replied before wincing. "I mean, I can look out for you, but I can't defend you.  I can yell and scream, possibly flail, but that's it.  And you know Ronon will be looking out for Radek." 

"Then it's a good thing we only want you for your brains and not your fighting skills."  John studied him closely, eyes narrowing slightly.  "Besides, I'm a fighter, so I've always known I probably won't live that long," he said,  trailing off.  

"What?  Don't say that," Rodney huffed. 

"What?  Afraid of jinxing me?"

"Of course not, that just superstition.  I just don't like hearing you say that."

"Would you care if I didn't make it?" John asked after a pause, his voice strained and high.

"What?  Of course I would, you're my friend," Rodney hissed, trying to stay quiet.

John nodded and pulled his hand away and began to nervously rub the back of his neck.  "I know.  I just...."

His voice trailed off and he looked into Rodney's eyes.  It was too dark for Rodney to see much, but a knot of tension curled low in his gut. But this knot, this feeling, was different from constant sense of nauseating doom that had been there since leaving Canada. 

"Just what?" Rodney whispered, his cheeks suddenly warm in the dark.

John dropped his hand from his neck and reached out for Rodney with the other.  He gently cupped Rodney's check, thumb brushing against his face.

Rodney's breath caught in his throat, his heart pounding as John slowly leaned toward him before hesitating.  Taking a deep breath, Rodney leaned forward and closed the remaining distance.  Their lips met gently, breath mingling and Rodney could only marvel at the softness of John's lips.  John pulled back a few inches, looking into Rodney's face.  Whatever it was he sought, he found, and John moved closer again, capturing Rodney's lower lip between his own.  Rodney's stomach twisted as he began to feel like he was falling, the loss of control somehow pleasurable.  Reaching out, he clenched John's shoulder with one hand, pressing his lips harder against John's.  At that moment, he wanted nothing more than to devour and be devoured by John. But both knew it was not the right time or place.  As John pulled away, Rodney took a deep breath.  John pressed their foreheads together, his thumb still brushing gently against Rodney's cheek.  They stayed that way for some time, the world falling away.

"You should get some sleep, Rodney," John murmured.

"Yeah, so should you."

Instead of leaving, John settled in beside Rodney, huddling together against the cold.  Under the circumstances, Rodney couldn't find it in himself to be embarrassed about kissing and cuddling John in full view of the others.  Besides, with Radek and Ronon sleeping together under a blanket, Rodney didn't really think anyone cared.  Instead, he listened to John's even breathing in the eerie silence of the night, counting breaths until he slowly fell asleep.

* * * * * * * * * 

The next morning, Rodney awoke to a gentle touch on his cheek.  He opened his eyes to see John smiling down at him, though the expression was unavoidably grim in the gray light of pre-dawn.  Slowly, Rodney stood and stretched, wincing as sore muscles and misaligned vertebrae protested his movements. 

"So, what's the plan?" Rodney asked. 

"Ronon says according the the old maps, there are a series of caves not too far from here that lead to the quarry.  He says we should be able to go unnoticed if we get into the caves before sunup," John explained,handing Rodney some food.

"Oh.  Joy.  More jerky," Rodney grumbled.  "You know, if we don't decimate the Wraith, I'm going to be really angry about my suffering."

"I know, you've suffered so terribly," John shot back, a true grin lighting his face before he turned and joined the others.  Rodney followed and smiled back, pleased to see John's smile.

"Well, I have.  You know, I have a nice, warm home in Canada."

"Of course you do, Rodney."

"And a sister."

"That's nice."

"Oh, and an incredibly soft, perfect bed," Rodney finished wistfully.  John paused and turned to face Rodney, a wicked glint in his eyes as he smiled.

"Now that I _would_ like to see," he murmured.  

Rodney flushed, his mouth opening and closing. He hasn't meant anything sexual by the comment, but now that was all he could think of.

_Ohhh... John on my bed.  John naked on my bed.  Oh!  John naked and bent over on my bed, begging and moan-._

__"Are we all ready to go?" Sumner asked, dragging Rodney's mind back to the depressingly nonsexual realm of reality.

Everyone grunted and murmured in the affirmative as packs were finished being loaded.  Only a few minutes later, Ronon led them out of the camp.  The climb up to the caves was steep and arduous, but they made it inside just as the sun was rising.  Once inside, the group was plunged into darkness.  They paused as lanterns were then pulled out and lit, but the rest was brief as Ronon was soon on the move again.  Hours later,they reached the end of a tunnel that looked out over the quarry.  An opening in the mountain just below the quarry let out the waters that started the Pegasus River.  It flowed throughout the south lands and fed into tributaries all through the area.  Everyone stood and stared at the high walls of granite and the barely visible veins of poison threaded throughout.

"Guess we'd better start digging," Evan sighed.  

* * * * * * * * * 

Five hours later, the sun was high and the sky clear.  While the soldier stook turns keeping an eye out for the Wraith, the rest mined for the poison, using axes to chip away at the granite.  Rodney and Radek tried to follow veins of the poison through the rocky ground, looking for larger deposits.  Earlier, the two scientists has tried to help,volunteering to take over using the axes, but that hadn't ended well. Rodney wasn't sure why he and Radek had been banned from using the pickaxes.  And shovels.  And the long hand drill.  It could have been because they had quickly tired and thus accomplished little.  Or because they'd gotten distracted at the sight of Ronon and John (who'd quickly stripped off their shirts) and then nearly killed Sumner when their swings went awry.  Cadman had finally sent them away, declaring the two of them a menace.

No matter the reason, the fighters were mining while scientists studies the ground.  Everyone had expected this mission to be difficult, but for different reasons.  It had been thought that getting through the Wraith lands would be hard, but that once they found the granite, the extraction of the poison would be easy.  But it turned out to be the reverse as the group struggled to expose small veins of poison, getting only small amounts after hours of work.  It was rather disheartening.

Eventually, Radek and Rodney gave up the ground search, the ban on using tools keeping them from success.

"I feel so useless," Rodney grumbled.

"Me as well," Radek sighed.  "They are all working very hard, but we just sit."

"I know!  The Guardian must have had a reason for us to come!  Or me, at least."

"Maybe she is evil," Radek theorized.

"Maybe she's really a Wraith spy."

"Maybe she is in cahoots with your cousin."

"Radek, did you just use the word cahoots?"

"Maybe I did."

"Maybe you guys should do something useful," Cadman suggested, her voice loud, "Instead of just sitting there."

Radek and Rodney glanced at each other.  

Raising an eyebrow, Cadman walked over to where they'd all tossed their packs and pulled out their water skins.

"Here," she said, tossing them at the two men.  "Why don't you go to the river and fill them."

"Ah, excellent, a job truly worthy of our intellect," Rodney mumbled.  "Well, yours, maybe."

"You continue with this line of talking, I'll tell your sister," Radek shot back.

"Oh please, like I'm really afraid of her."

"I'll tell the Guardian."

"Oh yes, because we've how powerful and effective she is.  She gave us a damn rock!   She could have at least told us about the poison, saved me some worrying" Rodney groused.

"I'll tell Ronon," Radek countered.

Rodney froze momentarily.

"Okay, that's actually a good threat," he conceded.  "Does this mean I have to be nice to you?"

"Don't worry, I wouldn't require that.  Mostly because I don't think you could actually do that."

The scientists continued to bicker as they made their way out of the quarry and down the hill to the river.  Rodney and Radek both crouched into the shallows and began filling the water skins.

"Huh, strange," Radek said.

"What?"

"The foliage.  Is mostly scrub brush all around mountain, same as plants the poison killed.  But near quarry, is none."

"That's not strange, that's expected."  Rodney frowned and glanced up at the hillside.  "There's no scrub brush at the top of the hill, and at the mouth of the river..," he said, trailing off.  Further down the river, probably close to a mile down the hill, the scrub brush started growing again, choking out the grasses.  "It makes sense; during rainy season,small amounts of the poison run off of hill and into the water, and kills the scrub brush before the poison is too diluted."

Rodney waded further into the water, staring up at the cliff the quarry sat on.  "I wonder how far...."

"Thirty meters," Radek murmured eying the distance from the top of the quarry to the mouth of the river.  Together, they slogged through the icyw ater and into the cave, the roar of the water growing louder.  Almost forty meters in from the mouth of the cave, the water rushed down in a large waterfall, falling from a height well above that of the quarry.   

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Radek?" Rodney asked, grinning as he turned to the smaller man. 

"If you are thinking of explosions, then yes," Radek replied, matching Rodey's grin with one of his own.

Laughing madly, the two ran from the cave, trying not to slip as they ran out and up the hill.  They arrived back in the quarry soaking wet and panting.

"Oh God; you guys fell in and all you had to do was get water?" Cadman asked, her voice filled with exasperation and love.

Trying to catch their breath, Rodney and Radek looked up with matching grins.

"This can't be good," Sumner sighed.

"What?  Why?" John asked.

"It's a fairly popular story back in our capital city," Sumner explained. "The last time those two grinned like that, they destroyed a wing of the castle and nearly killed themselves."

"What are you planning?" Ronon asked, face stern.

"Blowing up the quarry," Rodney panted.

"River starts above quarry," Radek explained.

"And the water will run over the rubble-."

"And transfer the poison into water-."

"Thus poisoning the river and killing the Wraith!" Rodney finished with a grin.

"Okay, while that is a frightening yet compelling idea, we didn't exactly pack any dynamite," John said.

"Don't worry, we can make some," Radek assured him.

Ronon's eyebrows arched.  "You can make explosives?"

"Uh, yeah," Rodney confirmed frowning slightly at the doubt in Ronon's voice.  "Of course we can.  We are scientists."

"And you brought supplies just in case you need to make a bomb?" Lorne asked.

"Yes, yes we did," Radek answered.

"Anything we can do to help?" Laura asked, watching as Rodney and Radek began pulling small leather pouches and a long, thin fuse out of their packs.

The scientists glanced at each other with apprehension, clutching the explosive materials to their chests.

"I trust you less with this than you trust us with pick ax," Radek muttered.

Rodney flapped his hand, dismissing the soldiers.  "Yeah, go do something useful, like finding a deep crack in the rock and then drilling into it.  We need it deep, really deep."

He then turned away and began talking rapidly with Radek.

"I think we were just dismissed," Sumner said with a chuckle. 

John and the others spent the next hour digging into a vein of the poison,cracking and chipping away at the rock around it.  Eventually, they hit a wide vein and began drilling until they had narrow hole that went down a few meters.

Rodney and Radek came over, carrying a bowl of black powder.

"Is this deep enough?" Sumner asked.

"It should be," Radek muttered.  "The powder is threaded through out the hillside and is not dense."

"The blast will hopefully shake loose the areas the powder holds together. And if it doesn't work, we'll have enough black powder for second blast," Rodney added.

"Okay, so what do we do now?" John asked.

"Get all of our stuff down the mountain, away from the river," Rodney began.  "Then Radek and I will pour the powder down, feed in a fuse,cover that with sand and tamp it down to pack in the powder."

"Then?" Ronon asked.

"Then we light the fuse and run like hell," Rodney finished, giving them a weak smile.

John and the others followed Rodney's orders, and moments later, the soldiers were waiting further down the mountain in a copse of trees,watching the small, distant figures of Radek and Rodney scuttled around the quarry.  The two figures then crouched low to the ground,apparently working.  A few seconds later, Radek and Rodney were running, scrambling down the mountain.  As they neared the trees, a hollow pop sounded, followed by a small puff of dust blowing into the air.  Rodney and Radek turned to face it.

"Damn, guess it didn't work," Rodney said, his face down turned and disheartened.

"Well, you said we have enough for another try," John said.  "We'll just go and-."

John fell silent as a low rumble started, growing in strength as the ground began to tremble.  They watched in awe as the quarry began to collapse,large chunks of granite tumbling into the water as the side of the mountain began to fall in on itself, revealing several large areas of the poison.  A section of rock high up on the mountain gave way as a stream of water shot out, followed by another section falling away. Soon the entire river began to flow out over the remains of the quarry,washing over the poison.

"Wow," Lorne said slowly.  "Remind me to never piss you guys off."

* * * * * * * * * 

The journey out of the mountains was quiet.  Along the way, they ran across several groups of dead Wraith, their bodies dessicated and hands clawing at their throats.  After a day, the reached the hidden camp where Teyla and the others were waiting.  Rather than staying there, the tired group continued on to the nearby town of Mountain Springs, the southernmost city.

Flushed and thrilled from the victory,the quick trip exhausted them all.  When they arrived at the town's local tavern, the victorious group fell upon the warm food like a swarm of locusts.  Rodney ate quickly before dashing up to his room, ready for sleep.

From his small but clean room, Rodney could hear the celebrating downstairs.  Like the others, Rodney was relieved that almost all the Wraith had been killed.  But he wasn't a soldier by any stretch of the imagination, and the past several weeks had taken their toll on him.  A bath had been brought up for him (which he suspected was Radek's doing) and Rodney wasted no time in stripping down and getting in.  The warmth had soaked into his body, a blissful lassitude stealing away what little desire he'd originally had to visit the others downstairs.  As he relaxed, he emptied his mind and listened to the sounds surrounding him.  He could hear shouting and laughter, but he paid it no mind as he began to clean, scrubbing at his skin and hair with a bar of soap he'd brought with him.  Once Rodney felt he'd sufficiently scrubbed the dirt from himself, he reached for a pitcher beside the bath and rinsed the soap from his head and torso. He was just pouring the second pitcher when someone began banging at his door.

"Go away!" Rodney huffed.

The banging continued.

"Rodney, come out and play," John's drawling voice teased.

Rodney rolled his eyes, a smile quirking his lips.  He should have been annoyed, but it was John at the door, a thought that sent his stomach flipping.  Standing, he hurriedly grabbed a blanket and wrapped it around his lower body before rushing over to the door and unbolting it.  Opening it wide, he stepped back to allow John entrance.

John didn't walk in but instead stood stock-still, his eyes roving up and down Rodney's body. 

"Uh, John?" Rodney started after a few seconds of silence.  He felt uncomfortable, standing practically nude with his pale body on display.

Rodney's words seemed to shake John from his stupor.

"Yeah, I, was, uh, going to drag you downstairs, force you to be sociable,"John mumbled, his eyes glazed as they fixed on Rodney's chest. 

Had he not needed at least one hand to keep the blanket up around his hips, Rodney would have crossed his arms in an attempt to hide himself.  John walked in, shutting and bolting the door behind him.

"Uh, if you give me a minute, I can get dressed.  It'll take me thirty seconds," Rodney babbled, stepping away from John.  Over the past days, Rodney had noticed that John's proximity had direct relationship to his decreasing intelligence.  He need room to think.

John followed as though in a trance, his eyes sliding up to meet Rodney's nervous gaze.  "I think I'd rather stay  here, actually."

"Really, you would?  Because I understand if that kiss was a 'what the hell, I might die anyways' thing, so you don't have to... you know...."

Rodney continued his backward steps until he was pressed against a wall; John followed, meeting each step with one of his own.  He slowly reached out one hand, resting it on Rodney's shoulder.  His eyes never left Rodney's face as he slowly stroked Rodney's skin with his thumb, intently watching as Rodney swallowed hard and shivered.

"Do you want me to leave?" John asked, his voice rough and low.  "I will if you want me to."

"Uh...."  Rodney swallowed hard before shaking his head. "No.  Stay, please?  I mean, if you want to."

A smile spread across John's face.  Not a self-confident or teasing smirk, but a true smile.  "You're a sarcastic genius with amazing eyes, beautiful lips and an ass I've been dreaming of for days.  I'm not going anywhere, Rodney."

Raising his other hand, John cupped Rodney'sface before leaning in.  Their lips met in a hesitant, gentle kiss that made Rodney's body hum.  Their mouths soon separated and John rested his forehead against Rodney's.

Rodney opened his mouth; he felt he should say something, but words were failing him in the face of John's gentle touches.

"Something you want to say, Rodney?" John asked.

Rodney looked into hazel eyes before shaking his head.  His tongue slipped out to wet his lower lip, ignorant of the way John's eyes followed the movement.  John inhaled sharply and crashed his mouth against Rodney's.  This time, John dominated the kiss and left Rodney lightheaded.  He mewled into John's mouth and moved his hands to grip John's shoulders, pressing their bodies together as John's tongue mapped out his mouth, coaxing and teasing Rodney's tongue.

John tangled the fingers of one hand in Rodney's hair, tugging his head back with a surprising gentleness. 

"You lost your blanket, Rodney," John murmured, his lips a hair's-breadth away from Rodney's.  Slowly, his calloused hands moved from Rodney's shoulder and down his back before clasping his hips, pulling Rodney firmly against his body.  This time, Rodney sought out John's lips,tasting the bitter hint of ale as their tongues slid together.  Rodney felt like he was burning, his skin hot as he thrust against John's leather-clad hips. 

Rodney gasped as John lowered his mouth and began sucking at his throat. 

"You taste good, Rodney," he drawled, the puffs of air from his words dancing across saliva-slicked flesh, sending shivers through Rodney. "Wanna taste the rest."

"Oh, God," Rodney whimpered helplessly. 

Pulling away, John looked down at Rodney, his eyes dark and lips swollen. "God, Rodney.  You have no idea how much I want you right now," he murmured, holding Rodney by the hips and steering him toward the bed. 

The bed hit the back of Rodney's knees, throwing him off balance, but John kept pushing until Rodney tumbled down.  Looking up, Rodney swallowed hard.  He was just laying there, completely nude in front of John, arms and legs spread open, cock flushed and arching toward his stomach.  Rodney found himself pinned by John's dark gaze and part of him wanted to cover up and hide, but another part reveled in the blatant hunger in John's eyes.  As John studied Rodney's body, taking in every inch, Rodney could only watch, stunned.  From John's hungry gaze and the way his tongue kept darting out to wet his lips, to the bulge in John's pants, it was obvious that John wanted this as much as he did.

For the first time in his life, Rodney felt desirable and the flush covering his body was from arousal and not embarrassment.  He watched with hooded eyes as John quickly removed his clothing, tossing it aside carelessly.  His lean, muscled chest was dusted with dark hair that trailed down his stomach and circled his cock.  A cock Rodney quickly found himself growing enamored with.  It was longer than his own, though thinner and it was quite possibly one of the most beautiful things he'd ever seen.  If it weren't something that would offend most of his citizens, he'd have a giant granite statue of John, nude and erect, commissioned for the castle.  His scattered thoughts fell away as John crawled toward him.  As he moved further up, John paused and nipped at Rodney's hipbones before continuing his journey up toward Rodney's mouth.  John paused at Rodney's chest, his tongue flicking out to tease Rodney's nipples. 

A high pitched whine sounded from Rodney's throat.  John looked up an shot him grin that could only be described as pure evil.

"You liked that Rodney?" he rasped.

Rodney whimpered again, nodding quickly against the bedding.  John lowered his head again, taking one nipple into his mouth.  He sucked on it, flicking his tongue across the tip.  Once Rodney's hips began to wriggle in earnest, John latched onto it with his teeth, tugging. Rodney's whimpers gave way to mumbled curses and pleas, and those turned noisy once John's turned his attention to Rodney's other nipple.  He gave it the same treatment and within moments, Rodney was begging.  Eventually, John moved away from Rodney's chest and pressed their mouths together again.  Their tongues dueled as they rocked their hips together.  Pulling away for breath, John lowered his mouth to Rodney's ear.

"You make the best damn noises, Rodney.  Wonder what other sounds you'll make," he husked.

Pulling away, John retraced his path, traveling down Rodney's body,occasionally pausing to nip and suck on patches of skin before he finally reached Rodney's cock.  He looked up at Rodney, treating him to a lop-sided grin before mouthing the side of his cock.  He sucked gently and dragged his tongue along the vein on the underside. Reaching down, he cupped Rodney's balls, rolling them in his hand. 

"Oh God, oh god," Rodney moaned, writhing against John's hands.

John raised his mouth and sucked in half of Rodney's cock.  Rodney gasped and reached down to twine his hands in John's hair.  John chuckled, the vibrations traveling along Rodney's skin and causing him to arch his back.  John sucked hard and pulled off of Rodney's cock with a lewd pop, using one hand to clasp and stroke him. Releasing Rodney's balls, he raised one finger on Rodney's mouth.

"Suck on it, get it wet," he ordered.  Blue eyes hazy with lust, Rodney blinked, needing a few seconds to process the command.  Understanding dawned and he opened his mouth, pulling the finger between his lips.  He curled his tongue around it, laving and suckling on it.  John groaned as his hand kept pulling on Rodney's shaft.  Pulling his finger out, John lowered his hand between Rodney's legs.

"Oh, God," Rodney groaned, widening his legs.

 _That's it, he's going to kill me.  I'm going to die from sex,_ he thought, shuddering as John's finger pressed into him.  Rodney looked up at John,  meeting that dark, intent gaze as the finger inside of him stroked his inner walls.  After a few searching seconds, it nudged this prostate.

Rodney squeezed his eyes shut as pleasure crashed through him.  He vaguely became aware that he was keening loudly and opened his eyes to see John smirking down at him.  As the aftershocks continued to roll through him, Rodney could hardly string two words together.

"That was- that was great," Rodney panted.  "I mean, wow, that was... I think I may have lost some very valuable brain cells."

John's smirk transformed into a full-blown grin.  "Well I hope you didn't,because I plan on doing this many... more... times," he said, punctuating his words with kisses that trailed up Rodney's torso. Covering Rodney's body with his own, John pressed their mouths together, kissing Rodney deeply as he rutted and smeared his precum against Rodney's hip.  Breaking the kiss, John started panting against Rodney's lips.

"Wait wait," Rodney started, pushing John away.  John reluctantly pulled back, looking down at Rodney with desperation.

"Yeah?"

"On your back," Rodney ordered, grabbing at John's hips.  John complied, too turned on to care. 

Rodney scrambled in his hurry to straddle John's legs, eying John's cock critically.  Reaching out, he took it in his hand before firmly pumping, twisting his wrist every so often.  A look of smug superiority took residence on his face as listened to John's moans and pleas.  Leaning down, Rodney suckled on the very tip of John's cock, teasing.

"Oh God, Rodney, please," John begged, his hips twitching as he tried to keep from thrusting into the slick heat of Rodney's mouth.

Rodney looked up through his eyelashes at John,in awe of the sheer desperation and need that he had caused.  It was heady, knowing that he'd done this, turned John into a gibbering mess. At that moment, Rodney felt a surge of pride.  Grinning around the head of the cock in his mouth, Rodney took a deep breath and took more of it inside his mouth.  His grin would have turned into a look of smug superiority at the desperate, inarticulate moans, but at the moment, Rodney's mouth was busy sucking.  The scientific part of his brain had returned form its vacation in happy orgasm land, and was applying itself to the task of drive John mad.  Unable to take all of John into his mouth, Rodney kept one hand moving at the base of John's dick while the other cupped the balls just below.  With a sob, John began to thrust into Rodney's mouth as Rodney sucked hard.

"Fuck, Rodney, I'm gonna come," John wailed, tugging on Rodney's hair. 

Rodney had an idea that John was attempting to keep from coming in his mouth,but damn it, he wanted to taste John, and there was no way it could be as terrible as Stackhouse's cooking.

With a low groan that seemed to originate in John's stomach, he came, his body arching and fingers tightening in Rodney's hair.  Come flooded Rodney's mouth and as he'd suspected, it wasn't as bad as Stackhouse's cooking.  And it was worth it, judging by desperate whimper John gave as he watched Rodney swallow.  As John's muscles twitched in the aftermath of what seemed to Rodney a phenomenal orgasm, Rodney moved off of John and pulled the  blankets out from under John's lax body.

"Jesus, Rodney, that was amazing," John said, a wide, goofy grin lighting up his face.  "I think you almost killed me."

As Rodney curled into John's side and pulled the blanket over them, he replied:

"Well, there are certainly worse way that you could die."

* * * * * * * * *  



	5. A Royal Pain in the Ass, Part Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>   Prince Rodney must complete a quest in order to be named King ****

As their horses neared the castle keep, John moved his closer to Rodney's.

“So, Rodney,” John started, drawing Rodney’s gaze. “We’re almost there. You know, I have a very lovely set of rooms, you wanna see them?” he asked.

Rodney’s mouth opened then closed, then opened again as Rodney searched for the right words. He finally settled on a stuttered “okay.”

 

John’s grin widened, his eyes lazily traveling up and down Rodney’s torso. John leaned closer and whispered, “I can’t wait; there are so many things I want to do you, and most of them require a very spacious bed.”

 

Before Rodney could even utter a response, John had moved away, spurring his horse forward.   In twenty minutes they had dismounted at the castle, their horses led away as servants carried away their belongings. As the tired, victorious group climbed the steps, a grey-haired man dressed in a military tunic stepped out.  Upon seeing him, John and Evan promptly saluted.

 

“At ease, men. By the way, congratulations on destroying the Wraith,” the man said.  "Not bad for a day's work."

 

“Thank you, General O’Neill,” the two replied.

 

“If you don’t mind, Sir, I was going to head to my room and clean up, maybe lay down,” John said, grinning lazily. 

 

“Sorry, but no. Some foreign royals are visiting and wanted to congratulate you, all of you,” O’Neill said, looking at the rest of the group.

 

Rodney wanted to scream and possibly throw something at the General. 

 

_Okay, so he’s only doing his job or whatever, but… sex! I want sex! John-sex, naked, sweat-_

 

Rodney was startled from his thoughts as a firm hand on his elbow drew him forward.  Looking up, he met John’s heated gaze.

 

“C’mon Rodney, let’s go meet these royals so we can get it over with and get to relaxing,” he said, his voice low.

 

A warning bell sounded in Rodney’s mind as John pulled him into and through the castle. 

 

_Royals, why is that important?_

 

The group was ushered into a grand hall where numerous well-dressed people stood. At the sound of a familiar, nasally whine, Rodney suddenly realized why "royal" was important.

 

“Oh no,” he whispered, the blood draining from his face. “John!” he whispered fiercely. 

 

John turned to look at him. “What?”

 

“I need to tell you something, it’s important.”

 

John frowned, but Rodney’s attention was soon diverted by the nasal whine.

 

“I plan on soon requesting that the Lords of Canada declare Prince Meredith dead so that I may take the throne,” Kavanaugh droned on, ignorant of the annoyed expressions around him.

 

“Listen, it’s only been five weeks, he could still be alive,” Jeannie countered, her cheeks flushing with anger as tears shimmered in her eyes.  Even the Guardian, who stood by Jeannie, looked angry. 

 

“Don’t be stupid, Jeannie; he’s dead and you must accept it,” Kavanaugh berated Jeannie.

 

A wild flame of anger surged through Rodney and as more tears slipped down Jeannie’s face, the rage grew until it was unlike any Rodney had ever felt before. Glaring, he stalked away from John and approached Kavanaugh. Tapping hard on his cousin’s shoulder, Rodney waited until Kavanaugh turned. His cousin barely had time to widen his eyes in horrified surprise before Rodney lashed out with his fist, hitting his cousin with all his might. A loud crack sounded as Kavanaugh’s head snapped back and his eyes rolled up into his head.  He hit the ground with a meaty thunk.

 

John rushed to Rodney’s side, pulling him away. John’s eyes were wide with horror.

 

“Rodney, what’s wrong with you? You can’t just punch out the next King of Canada!” John hissed.

 

Rodney’s stomach sank as he smiled weakly. He opened his mouth to speak but was cut off by a high pitched shriek. He turned to look just as he was rushed by a blond blur.

 

“Mer!” The Princess who’d been crying only seconds ago was suddenly attached to Rodney, clinging to him like a limpet.  Patting Jeannie’s back with one hand, Rodney nervously raised his other hand, his fingers clenching and unclenching as though seeking to clasp the right words.

 

“Did I mention that I’m a, uh, Prince?”

 

* * * * * * * *

Before Rodney had even had a chance to speak to John, the soldier had been whisked away by O'Neill, a confused frown marring John's brow.

After briefing Jeannie and the others, including the Guardian, Rodney had gone up to his guest room to quickly bathe and change.

A knock sounded at the door and Rodney groaned before answering it.  Whoever it was, all they were doing was taking up valuable time that could be used to come up the right words to explain things to John.  But when he answered the door, John was on the other side, cleaned up and wearing a military uniform.  He looked really hot and for a few moments, any non-sex thoughts evaporated from Rodney's mind.  As he continued to stare, John shifted on feet.

"So, Meredith?" John said, raising his hand to nervously rub the back of his neck.

"God, yes, that is my name," Rodney said, wincing.  "I hate it, just call me Rodney, please?"

"Should I call you Prince Rodney?"

Rodney winced again, his fingers twitching.  "Well, technically King Rodney now, I guess."

"Okay, King Rodney," John murmured before clearing his throat.

"Do you want to come in?  I mean, at some point my cousin will come to find me and then he'll start whining and my hand is kind of sore.  My plan was to hide from him," Rodney babbled.

"Yeah, sure." 

John walked in and began to pace as Rodney shut the door.

"Why didn't you tell us?"

"Well I don't really think of myself as being a royal.  I mean, I spend most of my time in my workshop, I don't do the courtly things I probably should.  And then Sumner said we shouldn't say anything because of the whole possible Wraith spy thing, so no one really said anything about it and I just kind of... forgot."

John nodded before looking down at the ground, scuffing the toe of one boot against the floor.

"Huh.  So, you'll probably get an arranged marriage or something?"

"What? No, ew, I mean, I know members of the Royal families should produce heirs, but no.  Just... no.  I don't even want to be a king, or even a royal.  Well, okay, so the royal part is fine; I mean, if I was anyone else, I'd have to work and wouldn't have so much time for science.  But as soon as Jeannie is 18, that's it!  I'm giving the throne to her."

"Really?  So no wife, no children?"

"Yeah.  I mean, that's right.  Hey, what happened last night was... well, that's makes me definitely not-pro being married to a woman category."

"Yeah, last night," John said as he resumed rubbing his hand at the back of his neck.

Rodney swallowed hard, the distance between them suddenly looming.  "Well, we'd been drinking, so if you don't want to-, I mean, I thought it was great, but it's not a big-."

Relief lit John's eyes, though that expression was soon lost as John rolled his eyes and moved forward and cupped Rodney's face, pulling him closer for a fierce kiss.  After moments that seemed all to short, they finally separated.

"Shut up, your Highness."

_THE END..._

I hope you all enjoyed this.  It wasn't always easy to write or find time to write, but it was still a fun little world to live in.


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